I STARTED OUT LIKE MANY TROUBLED SOULS.... NEVER WON ANYTHING, NEVER GOT THE GIRL, COULDN'T EVEN WIN AT A BINGO GAME IN SCHOOL.... MY FAMILY LIFE HAD GOTTEN SO DESTRUCTIVE, DEALING WITH A MOTHER WITH DRINKING ISSUES, WHO WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE HOW SHE FELT ABOUT HERSELF. DURING THIS TIME, I WAS IN A SCHOOL THAT TOOK JOY IN SEEING HOW FAR THEY COULD PUSH ME EVERYSINGLE DAY.... I WAS WEAK. I DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT, BECAUSE I WAS OUTNUMBERED....THERE WAS NOT ONE PERSON IN SCHOOL WHO HAD MY BACK AND ANYTIME I DID TRY TO FIGHT BACK, THEY ALL WOULD JUST MOB ME. I HAD TO TAKE EVERYHIT , EVERYDAY, JUST TO AVOID BEING BEATEN DOWN BY A CROWD OF SCHOOLMATES. IT EVEN GOT TO A POINT, WHERE EVEN THOSE WHO WERE BULLIED , STARTED TO BULLY ME, JUST TO EARN SOME RESPECT. ALL I EVER HEARD WAS, "YOU TALK LIKE THEM WHITE KIDS" AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE BECAUSE I HAD ARTICULATE SPEECH. MY MOTHER ALLOWED NO "HOOD TALK" IN HER HOME. SHE HIT ME HER HARDEST EVERYTIME I DID....I WAS ALWAYS PUNISHED FOR IT. SO OF COURSE I I WAS RAISED TO SPEAK BETTER THAN MOST BLACK KIDS IN OUR HOODS...BUT I DON'T THINK MY MOM UNDERSTOOD HOW DANGEROUS THAT COULD TURN OUT FOR ME, IN THAT ENVIRONMENT. EVERYDAY BECAME "GET MY ASS BEATEN IN SCHOOL, GET MY ASS BEATEN AT HOME." ALL I KNEW IN THOSE CHILDHOOD YEARS WAS GETTING MY ASS WHOOPED BY EVERYBODY AROUND ME.... IT TRULY WAS ME AGAINST THE WORLD, IN MY MIND. 

ONE DAY, AFTER COMING HOME FROM SCHOOL, WITH THE ONE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY FELT BAD, AND WALKED ME HOME, WE ARRIVED AT MY MOMS APT, WHERE THERE WERE AMBULANCES SURROUNDING THE HOME....

I QUICKLY RUSHED TO ONE OF THE PARAMEDICS AND ASKED WHAT HAD HAPPENED.

"A WOMAN IN THIS BUILDING OVERDOSED ON A SERIES OF MEDICINES AND LIQUOR.

NOW, MY MOM HAD SPENT SO MANY NIGHTS CRYING IN HER BEDROOM, PREVIOUS TO THIS QUESTIONABLE INCIDENT, AND IT SEEMED TO ME LIKE, SHE WAS ALREADY HIDING THINGS, BECAUSE EVERYTIME I ASKED WHATS WRONG, SHE WOULD JUST CRACK A SMILE AND SAY, "OH IT'S JUST GROWN UP STUFF."

BULLSHIT....SO WHEN I ASKED THE PARAMEDIC IF IT WAS A WOMAN ON THE 3RD FLOOR, THEY SAID, "UUUH IT IS A BLACK FEMALE, YES." ME AND THE GUY WHO WALKED ME HOME, LOOKED AT EACHOTHER WITH SURPRISED LOOKS, AND I RAN TO THE TOP FLOOR, AND SAW THEM IN OUR LIVING ROOM, GATHERING A REPORT. 

I RAN TO MY MOMS ROOM.... THEY WOULD NOT LET ME THROUGH. I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY MOTHER...I NEVER SAW HER LOOK SO SICK AND NEXT TO DYING....THAT LOOK IN HER FACE...I STILL CAN'T UNWATCH THAT TO THIS DAY. 

 IN A CRITICAL CONDITION, THEY TOOK HER TO THE HOSPITAL , AND I HAD TO LIVE WITH MY GRANDMOTHER FOR ABOUT HALF A MONTH...

WHEN I CAME BACK TO TOWN, SOMEHOW THE WHOLE SCHOOL KNEW ABOUT MY MOTHERS SUICIDE ATTEMPT. THEY WERE JUST CRACKING JOKES ABOUT IT, SAYING THAT ME AND MY MOTHER WERE BOTH CRAZY, AND I WOULD BE MORE NORMAL IF SHE HAD PASSED...THE VERBAL ONSLAUGHT AGAINST MY FAMILY WAS HAPPENING THROUGH OUT NEARLY THE ENTIRE SCHOOL. AT THIS POINT, I HAD ENOUGH.... SOMEBODY HAD TO END THIS....STRIKE SOME FEAR, IF CAN'T GET LOVE..... THEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME OR MY LIFE....SO I DECIDED I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THEIRS EITHER. 

MY NEIGHBOR ACROSS THE WAY, SOLD WEED AND GUNS...I LIED AND SAID PPL WERE FOLLOWING ME AT NIGHT AND AFTER SCHOOL, AND I HAD TO PROTECT MYSELF NOW.... YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE ... "BOY, YOU AIN'T NEVER SHOT NOBODY, U AIN'T BUILT THAT WAY," ETC. I SAID "THEN SHOW ME HOW." TO MY SURPRISE I WAS GIVEN GUN LESSONS THAT NIGHT.... ONCE I WAS ABLE TO POP 3 CANS, I COULD HAVE THE GUN.... SHE GAVE ME A 22 CALIBER AND SAID THIS IS THE "GANGSTA STARTER KIT". 

WHEN U GET A POWERFUL WEAPON IN UR HAND, IT'S LIKE LINK FROM ZELDA, WHEN HE HAS TO RAISE THE ITEM IN THE AIR, LIKE A VICTORY. I FELT THAT POWER....AIN'T NOBODY FINNA FUCK WIT ME NO MORE" I THOUGHT."I'M GONNA FIND EVERYBODY WHO TALKED SHIT ABOUT MY MOTHER, AND I'M GONNA KILL THEM ALL." I WAS TIRED OF BEING THE BLACK SHEEP...I WAS TIRED OF EVERYDAY LIVING IN FEAR OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NEXT...I WAS TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT LUNCH CUZ PPL KEEP HAVING THINGS TO SAY AGAINST ME WITH EVERY BITE. I WAS TIRED OF TEACHERS SIDING WITH THE STUDENTS WHO WERE CRAPPING ON ME EVERYDAY...I WAS TIRED OF BEING OUTNUMBERED AND BEING FORCED TO TAKE HITS, BECAUSE IF I FIGHT BACK HALF THE SCHOOL WAS GONNA JOIN IN.... I WAS JUST SO VERY TIRED... 9 YEARS OF THIS....IT WAS GONNA END...THAT MORNING. 

NEXT DAY, I MADE SURE THE GUN WAS LOADED , AND MY SPARE BULLETS WERE IN QUICK REACH IN CASE. BUT MY DUMBASS FELT SO ATTACHED TO THE GUN, I FELT THE NEED TO JUST POCKET IT, AND I COULD PULL IT OUT WHENEVER, AND PPL WON'T IMMEDIATELY NOTICE.... I DECIDED TO STAY OUTSIDE THE GATES OF THE SCHOOL THAT DAY...LOOKING FOR EVERY FACE I REMEMBERED TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME AND MY MOM AND HER SUICIDE ATTEMPT. I HELD THE GUN TIGHT, AND KEPT IT LOW, BY MY PANTS POCKET AREA, IN CASE PPL DRIVE BY AND HAPPEN TO SEE ME WITH IT...SO I THOUGHT I HAD IT HIDDEN AWAY IN MY HAND, WITH NO NOTICE..... BUT SOMEBODY DID NOTICE....

AN O.G BROTHA WHO RESIDED IN ONE OF THE HOMES ACROSS FROM THE SCHOOL....

"HEY YOUNG BLOOD" I HEARD FROM BEHIND ME. 

WHAT UP LIL HOMIE, LEMME HOLLA AT YOU FOR A MINUTE THOUGH?"

I KIND OF WALKED TO HIM IN A WAY THAT DIDN'T REVEAL THAT I HAD HIDDEN MY GUN BACK IN THE POCKET....I DIDN'T THINK HE HAD ALREADY SEEN IT. 

HE PUT ONE ARM ON THE WALL SIDE OF HIS DOOR, AND LOOKED AT ME WITH A SORTA SMIRK.... "NOW...WHAT'S REALLY GOOD MAN?"  

"I'M JUST OUT HERE CHILLIN MAN, WHY WHATUP WITH YOU?"

HE STARTED TO GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE FACES THAT SAYS "YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY DON'T YA?"

"NOW... I BE SEEING YOU OUT HERE A LOT LIL MAN, AND PEOPLE DON'T THINK WE BE SEEING SHIT , BUT WE DO..." HE CONTINUED.

I WAS HOPING HE WAS NOT LEADING INTO SAYING HE SAW MY GUN. 

NOW, BROTHA, I WAS A KID TOO, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?"

"YEA I KNOW" 

"OKAY ...NOW, MY NEXT THING IS THIS.... ACTUALLY, COME IN REAL QUICK."

AT THIS POINT I HAD A STRONG FEELING HE KNEW I WAS CARRYING, BUT SAME TIME I FIGURED, WHO WOULD LET U IN THEIR HOME, KNOWING U WERE PACKING?

HE SAT ME DOWN, WHILE HE WENT INTO ANOTHER ROOM WHERE HIS KIDS WERE ASLEEP. HOW WOULD HE LET ME IN IF HE KNEW I HAD A GUN , AND HE HAS KIDS IN THE HOUSE? 

"WHERE U FROM ORIGINALLY?" I KNOW U LIVE HERE NOW, BUT WHERE WERE U BORN?"

WESTSIDE CHICAGO."

THE MAN CONTINUED....

"NOW, AIN'T MY PLACE TO TELL NOBODY NOTHIN BROTHA, BUT TO DROP YOU A REAL LIFE 411 RIGHT NOW, LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING.... WHATEVER YOU PLANNING OUT THERE, YOU CAN REALLY DO SOME DAMAGE TO BLACK FOLK ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY."

"????? WHAT?"

IM TALKING BOUT THAT GRIP U GOT IN YA DRAWS YOUNGBLOOD"

WOW.....HE KNEW....IMPOSSIBLE..I NEVER REVEALED IN HIS SIGHT ONCE.

I ASKED, "YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?" 

"BROTHA, I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO SEE THAT SHIT,...THAT SAME DEMENOR U HAD OUT THERE JUST NOW, I USED TO BE THE SAME WAY, WHEN I WAS OUT THERE GANGBANGING. I USED TO PULL ALL KINDS OF CAPERS, WE WAS GETTING PAID OUT THERE, AND TAKING ANYBODY OUT WHO TRIED FOR US TOO." 

HE WENT INTO A FEW AWESOME STREET STORIES, AND WE KINDA SHOT THE SHIT, BUT HE STARTED TO REALLY GET DEEP AFTER THAT....

"ALL I'M SAYING BROTHA IS, WE ALREADY UNDERWATERS, FOR JUST BEING BLACK. EVERY BLACK MAN OUT THERE IS DAMN NEAR LIVING JUST TO DIE. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW IT, BUT WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR POCKET IS THE SAME THING THEM WHITE RACIST COPS WHO JUST GOT RODNEY KING IS USING ON US. THAT DON'T MAKE YOU NO BETTER THAN A WHITE SUPREMIST...DO YOU KNOW WHAT A WHITE SUPREMIST IS?"

"NO".

HE EXPLAINS IT, THEN GOES ON TO SAY,

WHEN YOU GO OUT THERE, AND TAKE ANOTHER BROTHA DOWN, ESPECIALLY IN SCHOOL, WHAT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND IS THAT IT CAN START A TREND AMONGST OUR PEOPLE, AND OUR YOUTH. IF YOU DO IT, IT GOES ON THE NEWS, YOU GET LOCKED UP AND OTHER BROTHAS ARE NOW GONNA SEE YOU AS A HERO, AND WANT TO DO THE SAME THING, BECAUSE THEY THINK GANGSTA IS COOL. YOU LOST RIGHT NOW.... WHATEVER U GOT GOIN ON, I KNOW IT'S HARD.... BUT WHATEVER YOU TRYING TO DO, IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING HARDER, AND ALSO INFLUENCE BLACK KIDS IN THIS COUNTRY THE WRONG WAY. YOU DO THIS, AND IN OUR FUTURE , BLACK KIDSLIKE U WILL MAKE THIS ONE BIG TREND. AND IF YOU DO THAT, U GONNA DOWNGRADE BLACK FOLK COMPLETELY, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS WE FOUGHT TO GET A CHANCE IN LIFE.

HE MADE ME SEE THAT THIS WOULD BECOME A CHAIN REACTION .....NOT JUST A ONE TIME DEAL...... 

"NOW LOOK HERE, YOUNGBLOOD...YOU SMOKE WEED?"

"YEA, I DO, LOL"

"BROTHA I'MA GIVE YOU THIS  BAG RIGHT NOW, IN EXCHANGE FOR THAT GUN. I KNOW I AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FEEDING NO REFFER HABIT TO NO KID, BUT SINCE YOU SMOKE ANYWAY, I DON'T HAVE TO SAY, I STARTED YOU ON IT LOL. WE GOT A DEAL?"

"HELL YEA"!!!  WE MADE THE EXCHANGE.

"NOW, IT'S ALREADY PASS 8 ,SO I KNOW YOU MISSED SOME CLASSES, BUT I'M GONNA WALK YOU IN AND TELL THEM U WAS HELPING ME MOVE. YOU DOWN TO DO THAT?"

"YEA THAT'S LEGIT."

FOR THAT WHOLE REST OF THE DAY, NOBODY EXISTED... I GOT BEAT UP ONCE AND IT WASN'T THAT BAD.... I WENT HOME, AND GOT NO BEATINGS THAT NIGHT. ALL I DID WAS SIT BACK AND THINK.... WAS HE RIGHT? WOULD I START A TREND IF I HAD GONE ON MY MISSION?

A QUESTION THAT WAS ANSWERED ABOUT 6 YEARS LATER, WHEN DYLAN KLEBOLD AND ERIC HARRIS RAMPAGED COLUMBINE HIGHSCHOOL, IN A SIMILAR WAY I WAS GOING TO RAMPAGE THE FORREST PARK MIDDLE SCHOOL.... I COULD HAVE LEAD US ALL AS BLACK FOLK, DOWN A WORSE PATH....PPL WOULD HAVE BEEN SAYING, "BLACKS WERE THE FIRST SCHOOL SHOOTERS." I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW MUCH WORSE OUR SITUATION COULD HAVE BEEN , HAD I NOT LISTENED... (OR TOOK THE WEED, LOL)

THERE IS A LINGERING FEELING IN ME TO THIS DAY ABOUT IT....HOW EVERYTHING IN THAT ENTIRE HISTORY COULD HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR US AS BLACK FOLK....AND THAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN ALL BECAUSE OF ME..... SO I ENCOURAGE THE LOST BLACK MEN AND WOMEN TO STAY SUPER STRONG NO MATTER HOW BAD THAT STORM EYE TRIES TO TEAR US APART. CUZ IF WE CRACK, WE ARE OPEN...AND WHEN WE ARE OPEN, IT'S CUZ WE ARE WEAKENED. AND IF ONE OF US WEAKENS, IT CAN HAVE A BIGGER EFFECT ON ALL OF US AS A WHOLE. HENCE TUPACS WHOLE MEANING OF "THUGLIFE" IN THE FORM OF AN ACRONYM....

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THE

HATRED

U

GIVE

LITTLE

INFANTS

FUCKS

EVERYBODY

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